does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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