foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
