I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if only i could text you this smell
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
