Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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