update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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