I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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