I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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