My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
