if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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