do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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