you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
