My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
