dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
