Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
