Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
