i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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