Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
