Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
