every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
