seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
