I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
