she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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