Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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