thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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