I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
