you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
