I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
