My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize