Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
