My room smells like vodka and shame
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
