Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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