she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
