I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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