i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
