I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
