i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think people are normalizing furries
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
