I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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