my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My brain says no but my pants say off.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
