I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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