hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
