omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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