it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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