Got a toothbrush?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
