I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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