I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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