I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
