So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
