Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
