So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
