Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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