I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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