So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize