imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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